Birthday

Reflecting on another year around the sun.

On the 28th of January, too many years ago I was born. Rarely since that day have I placed much emphasis on the anniversary. For me, my birthday was just another day. Although it did come with an excuse to eat cake.

However, as I’m reflecting on the year that has been I am struck by the immense changes that have taken place in my life since the last trip around the sun. I feel as though the last five years have felt like being on a ship in a storm. Everyday brings new changes and new challenges that redefine my life. However this year in particular has brought a lot of redefinition to my life.

Last January 28 I was living in Chicago. I was working six days a week and commuting three hours a day. I rarely had a moment to pursue anything other than surviving. I felt as though I was flourishing. I was making more money than I ever had before. I was living life in the big city. I was wearing fancy suits and drinking fine scotch on the weekends.

On my birthday last year I was given a rare opportunity to take a couple of hours off work early. I drove the hour and a half back into the city and decided to do something for myself. I didn’t tell anyone I had the afternoon off. I drove to a neighborhood near mine and took my camera out of the bag.

I had to reacquaint myself with the workings of the camera. It felt unfamiliar in my hand. Which was funny to me because I carried it with me every day. I always had it in case I found an opportunity to use it. I never found an opportunity. I had a roll of film in that camera for almost a year before I finished it.

I lost track of my photography to such an extent that I thought I had film loaded in the camera and shot about ten shots one day last summer only to realize the camera was actually empty. It had just been so long since I shot that I had completely forgotten.

Once me and my camera were on speaking terms again I began walking. I had to retrain my eye to see pictures. It’s a skill that I don’t think is discussed often enough. You really do have to train your eye to see pictures rather than just seeing the world around you.

Most of the images I captured that day are uninspiring. Some I question why I ever took them in the first place.

This little masterpiece for instance is the kind of picture that I could BS my way into an artists expression. “Yes, it really captures the emptiness of the human experience through its flat composition juxtaposed with the figure in the distance. Symbolizing isolation”

Or this one…

“The bent pipe and the cigarette butts is subtle commentary on the challenging and accusatory nature of the past taunting us for our modern failures while ignoring its own degradation.” Or maybe I just took a bad picture because I was still getting back into the swing of photography.

With this one, I started to feel like I was starting to really take pictures instead of just messing around. I see about a thousand things I would do differently with this if I was taking it today. But I feel like I deserve a little grace and a little leeway. I was trying to find my way that day, and I still am.

The last year feels like these photos. Some are better than others, but they show a person stumbling toward a goal. I enjoy making fun of my own work and critiquing myself, but I need to remember that I am a work in progress.

I walked under this sign and knew I needed to capture it. I dug into this subject and took a few different angles of it.

I tried a little more artsy angle on it. In many ways I really like this, but it doesn’t feel completely right to me.

I took a few steps back and grabbed this image. This feels the most right and most true, but it’s also the most simple. This was shot on my favorite film, Ektachrome, and it shows off all the characteristics of that film that I love. The dark shadows, the high contrast, and the intense almost overwhelming blues make this image for me.

I was feeling pretty good about myself after that sign photo. Then I took this one. I don’t know how I did it, but I messed up the focus on it. It’s a little soft and a little fuzzy. I could BS an explanation and say it’s an homage to the work of Saul Leiter and his use of windows, unbalanced framing, and soft focus. But it was really a mistake. As I’ve said, this has been a year of learning from mistakes and forgiving myself for those mistakes. Although that isn’t always easy…

I think this could have been a great photo. Someone, probably a child left their coat. Forgotten or abandoned and hung up by someone. A coat waiting for an owner who would never return. It tells a story, and what story did I tell with my picture? Oh look a coat. Not my best work. I could’ve stepped back and isolated it showing its loneliness. I could’ve moved to the side and shown it in the center of the picture with the fence creating two diverging lines symbolizing the potential paths we take. I could’ve adjusted the exposure so the green of the coat really popped. Instead it’s kind of washed out and plain and drab. The frame does nothing and the opportunity was squandered.

I’ve messed up a lot in life and photography. I didn’t take advantage of opportunities I’ve had. I locked into a course of action and didn't extricate myself for fear of a million unseen consequences.

This is the last one I took this day. A restaurant had a wall of wine bottles that I thought was fun. I grabbed this shot, but I had to leave. It was probably -10 Fahrenheit that day and I was losing feeling in my fingers. It’s not the best image, but I don’t hate it either.

Since last January, I left my job.

I left Chicago.

I was lucky enough to find a new job.

I’m trying my best. I’m making peace with the person who made those mistakes. I am optimistic about the next year of my life, and I’m optimistic about the photos I will take moving forward. I think we’re getting better. I hope I am anyway.